Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
Shitshow foam night was such a success
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
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