Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
pop tarts are not kleenex
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
Pretty sure that Albanian broad gave me something last night. Now we play the waiting game.
We left his house because I forgot how to drink water, I was just holding it in my mouth and then spitting it out, needless to say I don't remember the sex.
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
Totally forgot we howled at the full moon last night... It's safe to say Tuesday Boozeday is my new favorite day of the week
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
The Lion King Is on YouTube
Until 2 minutes ago I actually had a chance to pass my midterms... thanks alot
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
Randomize
