and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
And it's settled. 10 months is the appropriate amount of time before having the dick pic discussion.
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
