I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
you didnt know i had herpes?
is it really high of me to have brought my own hot sauce to wendys?
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
Idk we were snorting lines and making out in the stall while these people were cheering us on, on the other side. And that's when I realized he wasn't the only guy in the girls bathroom.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
😂😂😂 what are we doing to these poor guys?!
Maintaining the status quo.
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
Randomize
