I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
i was rollin on her like bob the builder
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
Just put a dog collar on someone's child.....was a great hit with everyone but his mom.......I think she hates me. I'm okay.with that
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
Your excessive judging is making this uncomfortable
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
She started crying, nearly punched a guy, started smoking multiple cigarets backwards and broke the slide on her bong. Why do I always end up babysitting the crazy ones?
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
Randomize
