I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
I don't understand how people can have that much vomit in them
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
Randomize
