just got 3 freshman girls to makeout with each other at a toga party! score!
why is this not a picture message?!?!
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
I'll be honest with you, my dick was out at that point in time.
Come over we're celebrating the one month anniversary of her first 4/20
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
He doesn't have much of a personality but he makes up for it with his sexual prowess
keeper.
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
Let the healthy eats/juice cleanse begin. Today is day 1
Have you cleansed yourself of the boy yet?
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Randomize
