did you wind up at some random place? and do you remember face planting into the fireplace?
oh no, I think we did it in the 'front asshole'
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
What happened to chicks over dicks?
That rule does not apply to 9 inch dicks..
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
you ate the make a wish sign. Like actually chewed on it. It was our solution to going outside when the cops were there
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
She's one of those people who could be either 16 or 23. In which case she's too old for me or in dangerously jailbait territory for you, bro.
Randomize
