dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
why do married chicks ALWAYS cry after?
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
i was so fucked up i thought i was at home depot
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
Haha! I've never met his girlfriend, so my main focus will be not saying,"you're the only person in this room that doesn't know what my vagina feels like."
smoked four grams out of a bong with a mixture of pool water and white rum. I applaud you for leaving before losing too many brain cells.
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
idk i just feel really unsatisfied. like something's missing from my life... maybe it's chicken nuggets...
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
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