she tasted like a mixture of sweat and destiny
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
I cannot even. Taco bell reception. Beers. New friends from Georgia.
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
i've now hooked up with two guys who have tattoos of their sister's names...so that's a reality i have to live with...
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
I am watching Wayne Gretzky and Alexander oveckhin play video games for charity. What is life right now.
Randomize
