You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
Randomize