I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
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