Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
dude just tell them you don't wear clothes. they'll understand
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
Watched twin sisters make out thought it was amazing sick on their part but legit to watch
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
