Go study a dick amy that's outrageous
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
We had sex six times. In a span of 8 hours. Confirmation I don't need to go to the gym.
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
He fucked my brains out then fed me cheese and peanut butter. I might be in love.
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
Randomize
