Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
The lack of respect you have for your penis baffles me. I'd rather rub my ball sack on public toilet seats than stick my dick in some of those girls.
A simple 'no' would have sufficed
Hahaha you puked all over his shirt.
You puked in the planter and everyone saw your snatch.
Well someones bitter they didn't get any.
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
Playing basket ball at the park with random people that showed up at 1am. the division of teams is based on what drugs people are on
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
He called me baby cakes during sex... Can U not
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
Randomize
