when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
we had sex three times last night.. but now im just wet from him crying on my stomach about how much he misses his ex.. awesome
it was 6 in the morning, and you cried until i put mulan in. then you proceeded to say every word, not to mention sing along... stop drinking.
i wiped a booger on my final. end of semester present.
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
Randomize
