Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
he walked up looked at my boobs then looked at my eyes then looked at my boobs again smiled and said "can I get you and the girls a shot "
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
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