Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
he was having a black light party and drinking manischewitz wine out of a three foot tall trophy he stole from mcdonald's...that's when I decided it was time to leave
All my money is going towards making my vagina hairless
Worth it.
I'm going to be an 8 year old girl down there foreverrrr #fountainofyouth
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
My goal tonight is to be arrested by the Police Women of Cincinnati.
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
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