Last night we were drunk and talking about rude things, I mentioned felching and had to explain it to everyone. Everyone was disgusted and asked how I knew about such filth and I told them you told me. Don't get mad. Also a quck heads up, you might get gifts of straws at work,
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
Randomize
