she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
My pussy is not your playground.
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
Uhm after 8 I don't recall anything. All I know is there's a picture of me playing pong with my grandmother.
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
Just witnessed a man yell "gonna catch a slut!" at himself in the mirror while doing bicep curls at the gym.
I was...perplexed.
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize
