i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
Someone will be leaving this trip either pregnant or devastated.
Just saw 30+ dicks. Explain later.
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
there's unknown territories my dick was not made to discover
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
Randomize