I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
You pole danced in your parka.
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
so how was it...?
sadly not as impressive as one might expect from a division one athlete. he lacked the stamina i had hoped for, and by lacked i do mean he fell asleep while he was still inside me. an epic wtf moment, i know.
We are back but we are listening to stairway to heaven in my car. Amy is air drums. Be back when it's over.
Just opened my sisters laptop to "cute places to lose my virginity" googled last
Randomize
