Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
hows the new call of duty?
I only had sex with the game case so far, but that part was awesome.
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
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