Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
I liked a picture of him with his pants around his ankles, if that doesn't say I'm into you, I don't know what does.
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
Just do let me go home with anyone especially I a guy with a hair sweater
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
He made me put my cow print vest and my cowboy hat from my ' sheriff woody' costume and said I'll show you a woody. What I charmer huh!? I love make up sex
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
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