Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
there's just something about her that screams "i'm into chicks who wear flannel"
i think i just witnessed the elusive male walk of shame
there's something wrong with the internet when a search for "barney the dinosaur violence" comes up with nothing
now were playing what girl doesnt belong in the picture of girls in bikinis.
Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
The uberlube is also flammable
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
Randomize
