Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
We already established this. No, he did not cum on the dog.
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
We did however see an 87 year old guy die and get resuscitated last night at the bar. He then finished his beer and his game of pool.
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
GOOGLE HAS JUST RELEASED AN UPDATE THAT ALLOWS YOU TO CATCH POKEMON USING MAPS. Pack your shit, our time has COME.
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
Drink drank drunk tankkkkn, LETS GO
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
Randomize
