fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
took acid and went on safebus. all the lights were off except the adds. swear to god it was a submarine
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
Believe me. As soon as the boss man is out the door. I am on my way to wow your vagina with my horse-like attributes.
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
I don't think I used nearly enough fucks in my reply to convey the level of fuck him.
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
Nice people suck dick too. I'm proof.
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