Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
well, 500 bucks doesn't grown on trees, and i need that bear suit for any chance of vagina access.
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
We'll just play it by vagina and see where it leads us
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
Randomize
