i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
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