i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
well it can jab him in the chin so I am 100% sure he can suck his own dick
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
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