walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
In 2014 only three boys have seen my boobs so far
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
Sooooooo, maybe just fucked on a motorcycle.
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
Randomize
