I fink we're distracting them from bumping the proverbial uglies
did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
Getting dressed and listening to the song Buffalo Bill danced to in Silence of the Lambs. I'm a perfect psych major.
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
He showed up completely drunk with a 30 of PBR and ten cans of Spam. I like this kid.
Worst sex ever! He was a talker for sure! I was on top and out of no where he said "Oh you bad bitch?" I stopped and left.
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
Randomize
