Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all..
How did people poop without Blackberrys?
Motorola Razers?
Stone age, man.
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
Just puked most of my soul out..
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
Randomize
