I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
There were gay boys and a jukebox. It was like god wanted me to.
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
so after 3 days of looking i found the keg...looks like somebody tried burying behind the garage
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
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