I feel miserable, can't drink that much when I go out
We've been saying that since '98
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
I'm pretty sure I asked his brother if he was gay while drunkenly falling to the ground.
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
Is there such thing as dick sucking teeth guards?
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
where are my eyebrows?
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