I'm so fucking centered right now
I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
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