Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
We had a complete conversation while I was giving him head, at one point he even stopped me and said 'I love how we're just hanging out.'
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
can we fuck so we can live up to our nicknames for eachother?
Randomize
