the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
Spent the last thirty minutes staring at the wall with Leah. It's definitly moving
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
just got home to find my brothers naked on the floor covered in chocolate. i am now nervous about sleeping in the same room as them
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
Randomize
