Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
Randomize
