i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
we made a giant pot of alcholic jello. i filled a gallon bag and brought it to dorms. desk guy gave me weird looks, he doesnt realize this is how i will pass all of my room searches
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
You yelled "hold my dick" before you tackled the guy away from the dj and two random girls moved to actually hold it, then argued about it. I want that whore aura!
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
Just took adderall with about half a bottle of red wine...i have stopped trying for this last exam
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
Randomize
