im six kinds of drunk right now
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
don't think this is any sort of attachment thing but if I'm going to throw up regularly at your house, I'm going to keep a tooth brush there
WHITE RUSSIAN WEDNESDAY. TELL YOUR CO WORKERS. INVITE QND PREPARE
What was the name of that place where we saw that concert? It was like a warehouse and some guy was living in the loft above the stage...
It's called: a legit place to drop acid.
Dude, he threw a pool chair off of an 8 story building. It was a successful night I'd say.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
Randomize
