I think your mom looks like a breed of donkey and elephant, but her boobs are perfect
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
The last thing I remember was you puking all over the inside of my door and him yelling "PUKING RALLY!!!"
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
Randomize
