i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
its like he missed a chap in the "being a guy" handbook and read the bible instead
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
Like many of my risky ideas this has "burned genitals" written all over it
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
Bring me a cialis. .. I feel like having a super dick today
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
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