3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
People will call it the Wrath of the Froyo. We'll be immortalized.
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
only i would get off to receiving death threats online
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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