I think i sorta joined a cult last night
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
But it was well worth it to see a man fly through the air in a beaver costume...
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
He filled our room with little plastic cups of beer so the only way I could get out was by drinking them all.
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
He took the Gold in Olympic clit licking last night. Canada should be proud.
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
I'm not in it for just the sex. If I wanted mediocre dick once a week I would have stayed with one of my exes.
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
