You know your creepy when you look at recently tagged facebook photos of girls you want to hook up with and they include prom pictures
I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
Think about all of the events that have led to this: me sitting in the back of my classroom drinking beer out of a taco bell cup, telling the teacher I have to leave early to go to an AA meeting.
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
It was so weird. I had like an out of body experience. I heard the moaning, but I didn't know it was me.
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
Watched a women out our tannin salon literally fight police because she was getting arrested for trying to drunkenly fight the tanning salon owner...we need to step up our day drinking this is shameful.
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
Randomize
