the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
Like... Chilling at home with a movie, hang out? Or have sexual intercourse in the backseat if his car, hang out?
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
I want to throw pennies on her stage, or just ripping up a dollor bill and throw them one at a time.
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
My dick has been in way too much crazy the past 2+weeks, but hey it feels good to fuck consistently again
I have rug burns on my nipples. Thanks for being an awesome wing girl.
Randomize
