no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
My first STD was from a foam party
we were taking shots of hot tequila, which is even worse than it sounds
Spaghetti and Car Bombs, good idea or what will end up on the bar in a few minutes?
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
I just wanted to be nice to your dick and you are rhyming at me.
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
Randomize
