I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
So apparently the christmas orgy was a complete disaster
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
my last clear memory of the night was being offered a shot but having so much alcohol in my hands that someone literally had to pour it in my mouth for me. after that it pretty much skips to waking up face down and shirtless on my floor.
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
Randomize
