OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
he had his head down and said he was listening for the buffalo, he had to still be drunk.
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
my mom just told me I should hit it and quit apparently she does not like this new girl
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
Why thank you for your unwanted opinion, person I've never met before.
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
This is your post bachelor party survival text. This a free and complementary service to make sure you are still alive. For alive, say yes. For hurting, say ugh. If lost, say help. If dead, please feel free to not respond. Thank you and we hope you enjoyed the party.
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