apparently the secret to your success is patron
some guy just got out of his chair quietly. Laid down on the floor and is now asleep in between rows in my lecture hall. He must have had a rough night.
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
We are hot boxing the gondola
I hate everything.
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
Randomize
