we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
Randomize
