I chose taco bell over sex...
good choice.
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
Randomize
