I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
Found your counterpart from cali. Walked into the bar we were in with milk and a donut, ordered a beer and said anything his group wanted was on his tab....dangerous
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
I saw a classic trojan enz laying on his desk. So he's probably not into the kinky shit.
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
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