I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
entire chemistry final was about beer... i actually might miss this place
Getting blown during the Cavs game doesn't make it any less depressing.
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
you're expensive. Idk about all this. What happened to free make outs?
Sobriety and mild self-respect
threw up on my 7.30 AM placement test. Never again
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
Randomize
