the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
By the way seagulls wings are very soft. And the lesbian and or by sexual twins say hello. Be home in the little bit time frame.
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
Randomize
