he wanted to have me eat skittles off of his body. he mad gay sex even gayer.
Just met a girl...She is complaining why on facebook you can't have more then one "open relationship"
I dont know how i feel about her from a moral standpoint...
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
He's the stereotypical redneck. He tried to go kayaking during a storm and almost got into a fight when a park ranger tried to stop him
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
Randomize
