Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
I'm someone's dream girl. I'm hungover in this guy's bed wearing ONLY a Brian Westbrook jersey. Not the same I was on a date with last night.
I just heard the term negative masterbation and I don't believe it
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
We are so on opposite sides of the boobs spectrum
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
Randomize