grab my backpack.....its in the fridge
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
Damn you and your Monday night power hours.
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
Your biggest crisis right now is that you can't decide whether to keep hooking up with AN NFL PLAYER or try to rekindle your relationship with your ex. You are a walking white girl problem.
My penis needs a shock collar
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
Randomize
