My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
you know it's time to start studying when you've procrastinated to the point where you're reading your roommate's ex-boyfriend's wall posts from 2006.
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
Randomize
