my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
good penises are hard to come by.... must be the economy...
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
being pregnant is like rehab
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
From what I remember I had fun, until I threw up, and lost my shoes..
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
Randomize
