I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
My relationship with VH1 is so bittersweet
you have to choose: penises or morals?
...i had to draw her a diagram of her own vagina. including a little arrow to the clitoris. shouldn't it be the other way around?!?
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
Haha yeah this costume is worse than I imagined. I look more like a gothic hooker who caters specifically to creepy men with doll fetishes
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
