I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
my last 3 google searches were anal itchy vagina and ice cubes
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
dude all my bootycalls are going to Eclipse tonight... Do I really want it that bad?
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
You are a lesbian wizard with red hair. You are willow
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
Please clarify that he is speaking of beer pong and not rough sex
so after 3 days of looking i found the keg...looks like somebody tried burying behind the garage
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
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