My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
Yeah I'm pretty much like lane on gilmore girls except my mom doesn't look so mean all the time.
Its already bleeding so dont be alarmed after you bite it
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
i stapled my math hw together with an ear ring, too ghetto?
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
Well, it's hard to say. Last night he puked a perfect circle around him on the floor, and then sat in it insisting it would protect him from the smoke monster. He's was still there last time I checked.
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
He said it. He actually said "yes it's in".
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize
