So his roomate was eating breakfast when I was sneaking out. He's the guy I took home from jessicas wedding. I ended up eating coco puffs with him
Just another sign I need to get out of this town
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
whats the proper etiquette for returning a closet door to a random girl you met and do not know her name?
The girl in the white might have stds. I'm strangely okay with this.
you have no chance. her best friend is a human abstinence poster.
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
That's why they call him "the cheesegrater".
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
Randomize
