Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
So it's like pop-o-matic trouble, but with penises
have you facebook stalked him yet?
No, I don’t know his last name...
Just google his license plate numb
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
That sounds good. I'd totally blow you somewhere quick but im not in the frame of mind to think of a place
Be outside in 5
Randomize
